Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sistas For Asian Dudes

Today wasn’t the first time I decided to quit ni66a’s for good. Nope, today just solidified my potential decision to possibly just say fu*k them for hopefully the last time.

Minding my own business at the office of modern day slavery, a Chinese gentleman that I had helped months ago with a job-related issue, came to my office and gave me a holiday gift. And no, he didn’t bring me a pair of Guess boots or one of those God-ugly $99 pendants from Kay Jewelers. The man brought me a glass knickknack - a knickknack that I commenced to marvel over and then display on a glass table for everyone who never gave me a damn thing to see.

The thing was, it wasn’t the gift itself. Really and truly it was the thought behind it. The fact that this man had maybe seen me once since I worked with him, but then not only thought to get me something, but then brought it to my office and expressed a type of kind sentiment that for some reason I don’t seem to be worthy of in the eyes of many Negroes. (For the 2.5 of you that know I’m not talking to you - just ignore this PLEASE – my father included!)

Had that been then end of it, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here now writing this scripture and listening to Babyface’s greatest hits. (“Two Occasions” isn’t on here. Yeah, I know Two Occasions was when he was with The Deele!) Anyway! Not more than ten minutes after my Chinese gift giver left the premises, this Black a$$ Negro I know called me and asked me, “So what you gonna get me for Christmas?”

***Page Break*** I need to step out of the room for a minute and get myself together.

I’m back.

I hope my face doesn’t stay permanently scrunched up because the black dude’s question really bothered me. I kindly replied into my blackberry that I would be happy to give him his gift early – a dial tone! Click! Nah, I didn’t immediately hang up in his face, cause I do have class. Actually what I did was tell him to hold on, and then I put the phone on mute and stuck it in my purse. See I’m not gonna let ni66as fade me! Besides, I have the Sprint $99 for everything plan so those burnt minutes were on his Boost mobile a$$.

For what its worth, I don’t think I should waste much time on why many of the women of my race are in this predicament of dealing with Negroes who don’t respect and protect us. There is no point. I have even searched for the reasons why these things are happening to the true and down sistas in books - and you know black people don’t look in there too often. (Hell, when I was in college my house got broken into like 5 times. I had cash money hidden in my books every time, but you know them ni66a’s never found it.) The only book some blacks ever even come close to is a mug shot book. Feel free to stop me when I’m lying.

In any event, I’m going Asian! I’ve had it with this chocolate bull$hit! Whatever! I know I’m gonna hear people yipping about you can’t judge all Negroes by the actions of a few. What they are probably going to leave off of their judgment of me is that they really mean the actions of a few hundred thousand Negroes. Just dump in all of Detroit and like...oh lets say, St. Louis Negroes for sure. Okay, I know like 7 black dudes that I can honestly say that I think are good dudes. But, even if I’m exaggerating for entertainment purposes, I probably know 18 Negro clowns for every .541 good black man. Sad. Fact!

The nerve of that fool to call me up out of the blue and ask me for a gift. I'm still puzzled like 9 hours later. Maybe he has a concussion or something and forgot who the fu*k he called? (And no, it wasn’t Brian Westbrook from the Eagles I was talking to.)

So that the record is clear, I don’t ask for gifts from men. Nah, if I have ever asked a man for something, I’ve asked for simple $hit like…

· Jello or soup when I’m sick (like with pneumonia or something serious)
· Can ya pick me up from the airport – (probably in my car)
· Be faithful ni66a (can you do me that one MF’n favor?)

Yeah, in my lifetime I’ve inquired about basic, straightforward and uncomplicated $hit like that. I haven’t asked for purses, shoes, trips, drinks, and cookware; or for dudes to get my hair and nails done. The way I see it, if a dude wanted to do those things, I wouldn’t have to ask because he would already be making my appointments, driving to the mall or logging on to without me asking - and that’s that.

After I finish this article, I think I’m going to create a facebook group just to get an idea of how many other sistas are on the same page as me. I gotta know how many sistas are tired of being taken for granted and asked to clothe, shoe and feed ungrateful and spiteful goons who will wear the clothes bought for them by the sista on a date with a non-sista. Truth is truth people! By the way, Tiger Woods is not to be counted in the Asian contingent that I think the sistas should look for. Nah, he should go with the Norwegians or somebody. I have no idea why I said the Norwegians. Sorry Norwegians. Anyhooha, I’m just sayin,’ Asians are stealth like ninjas and Tiger has absolutely no creep, credibility or cool points to offer. Plus they say he’s a cheap bastard on top of all of his other flaws, so he should be deferred to Norway in the next racial draft.

As for me, the next time you see me out with a man, don’t be surprised if I’m walking 3 steps behind some dude named Kyoto Takasuki with some wooden high heeled thongs on, my hair in a bun with two chopsticks holding it together and three pieces of a spicy tuna roll in my pocket. Best believe that we will be pushing a phat ride, living in a phat house and rolling all over a 850 credit score. We will own simple ni66a’s like the bastard that asked me for a Christmas gift just like China owns the United States. I will be in the big house when all these low down field hand Negroes end up back picking watermelons because they chose to sag their pants, listen to illiterate rappers like Lil Wayne and beg bitches for scraps instead of digging into them school books and putting the weed down. Obama’s presidency means nothing if the rest of the population of colored males are in jail. He’s ONE dude – and he didn’t even know how important Michael Jackson was to the world so what does he really know anyway?

And don’t worry about me walking behind my new man. I won’t be doing it because I’m subservient; I’ll be back there because somebody needs to be behind him to catch his money as it falls out of his pockets. I'm gonna give new meaning to having his back. Plus, if you know me at all then you know I’m not a trick or a gold-digger. Therefore, Kyoto will be handsomely rewarded for all those things he does for me without me having to ask him. And who knows, with a few Extenze for men tablets, he might just please me too.

Paging Will Demps, Chow Yun Fat, Jet Li and Russell Wong…call me! If I don’t answer, it’s because some black a$$ jacka$$ is still on hold in my purse!

Yeah, WASET said all THAT. Quote Her! © 2009